my life...

boise

2006-11-28T03:49:48Z

still here.
still kind of heartbroken wondering what the hell went wrong, or if it was just a big wrong lie to begin with.
i'm doing open mics, playing in a cover band, working, and just hanging out until further notice.
i'm gonna attempt the fast thing again, i think. i'm gonna do a liquid fast. i think i might transition into it slowly with organic soups (pacific brand), tea, juice, water, etc. when? i don't know. the sooner the better. i'm starting to revert back to old habits.
i should be back in AK by the 23rd of dec. right in time for xmas. ready to see everyone. i've been having dreams lately that involve people from home. i had a dream that brian keith was in last night. lol, it was kind of funny...
it's time to hit the open mic downtown. gotta go.

pcking @ 2006-11-14T20:02:00

2006-11-15T03:02:15Z

looks like i'm going home for christmas if i can pull the right strings. then straight from AK, it's off to miami. yay for sun and a new adventure. boo for spanish being the primary language. guess that means i have to expand my horizons and learn a little more (but it's all part of the adventure, i suppose). i at least need to know how to order mashed plantains for breakfast every so often from the puerto rican joints.

i'm looking forward to going home. i'm pretty excited about seeing friends and enjoying the company of certain loved ones. ;) (nothin'...)

my adventure in detoxing is going alright. it could be going better, and i guess i'm the only one with the power to make it better. setbacks are expected. i'm still going to try to make it through the month, and even improve (fight temptation).

well, i have to be honest. i don't think many people read this, so i don't mind really expressing it here. i'm just kind of lonely. my heart is getting hard, and i dont think i'll ever feel light on my feet in love again. i've become too cynical. the world and the people in it will open your inexperienced eyes and your lust for life and love may end up tainted or even destroyed, and sometimes it stays with you. it makes me think of that quote "love like you've never been hurt" and i realize how important it is to remember that at a point in your life. people lose trust for one another in general. the world will show you things, but i think we have to learn from that but let go of the cynicism that can come with it. it can make for unpleasant, unfair relationships, and in general, an unpleasant person to be, and/or be around.

i gotta get to work.
for anyone who read this, love softly.

damn it.

2006-11-03T16:11:18Z

well, i HAD a meeting with a director for an upcoming local independant film today, but it must be stand-up-paris month. every fucking time. at least he let me know. literally every appointment i've had with people has been cancelled, postponed, whatever, since i got here. how fucking hard is it to set a date and keep a date? this is kind of frustrating.

i'm on myspace now. (barf)

2006-11-01T03:15:07Z

well, i actually got into myspace.
you can find me at www.myspace.com/slouchingoak
pretty much for networking. i'm avoiding interpersonal relationships like the plague at this point.
meeting people looking for talent in the boise area for which i fit the profile, as well as people to collaberate with musically. i suppose it'd be healthy to find some friends. but internet is as far as i'm going.
i don't really have much to say.
my brother suggests i go home for xmas.
it would be great to see family. i miss my mom, dad, and sister. i really miss the munchkins (chelino and victoria).
i would love love love to see, lisa and connor, and definitly ben.
i just don't know if i can pull it off financially. besides, my mom's planning on coming in a couple weeks or so.
it would be a good time to come up to kill multiple birds though. lots of people in one spot. plus maybe seeing sparks and fair.
i just dont think i could afford the time off work.
anyway, i'm tired of blogging.

pcking @ 2006-10-29T07:49:00

2006-10-29T14:55:56Z

well, i was ditched. stood up.
i was supposed to get a call yesterday to celebrate halloween and meet people with this guy i met at the gym and nothing.
i called him and left a message to just call me and tell me if he was still on or not, and not even the decency to call me tell me no. whatever. guys are dumb. :)
i bought all that unnecessary halloween costume shit and makeup for nothing.

anyway, today i'm going to meet with people that responded to my ad at a music shop looking for people to jam with. they're older. like 40's and 50's, which is fine. they dig the eagles, fleetwood mac, etc. they are looking for a female vocalist, so that's nice. we'll see how it goes.

i guess the most eventful thing that happened lately was going to andrew, nic, and aaron's place the other night (fellas from work). it was only andrew and nic when i called, but to my surprise when i arrived an hour later, practically the whole crew from work was there. it was kind of fun hanging out with them. it beat sitting at home for a night. i talked to andrew more than i ever have before. he is really a sweet kid.

i should probably get going. gonna work out a little before i actually start my day.

pcking @ 2006-10-27T08:26:00

2006-10-27T14:36:59Z

got an interview at WinCo in about a half an hour.
so what the hell am i doing still in my pjs at the computer?
i don't know.
anyway, i'm possibly going to halloween parties tomorrow with derek, the personal trainer from the gym (score!) so i gotta hit all the thrift stores for a costume.
i was thinking either cowgirl, marine kinda thing, or biker kinda deal. or cher. not sure yet.

talked to dewayne yesterday.
he really wants me to come down to miami, and if that doesn't pan out, new orleans.
i think i would just stay here and maintain employment for a little while if the miami thing doesn't work out.
pretty much the scoop on the miami deal is getting people to rent out their houses for the super bowl. some people are able to rent out their houses for upwards to 30K for a week! pretty amazing. so we drive all around town, put up little obnoxious signs, everyday, because lots of them get taken down, go around to people, and tell them all about this.
there are only 80,000 hotel rooms, and 150,000 people coming to the superbowl. some people will pay boucoup bucks to rent out someones home, so that's what we do. promote that.
he said if and when he gets to miami and gets settled, he's gonna send me a ticket. that'll be nice. don't have to worry about buying the ticket.

i think dewayne is really lonely. he doesn't have any family and most of his relationships are ended and fickle. i think he likes knowing that he's family to me and can always count on me. i think me being around will make him happy to know that this relationship is unconditional. i'm pretty excited to do this.

gotta git.

pcking @ 2006-10-26T09:15:00

2006-10-26T15:19:01Z

i got a membership to hollywood video yesterday and rented easy rider.
right on, brother.
i wanna be peter fonda.
that's what it's all about, boys and girls.
being free...
and NOT getting brutally murdered.
seeing places, meeting people, vagabonds, rebels without a cause.

who's with me?

c'mon lisa, (leave the squirt with gramma). ;)

pcking @ 2006-10-25T10:41:00

2006-10-25T16:42:00Z

it's been a long time since i've updated this journal. i've been on my other one most of the time.
lots has happened in the last 7 months or so. i met an amazing person who thought i was amazing too, we fell in love, and he broke my heart (still not really over that yet).

we met in daytona, he got my name tattooed on his back, he went back home to washington, sold all his shit, and came back to be with me. so flattering. well, apparently that didn't mean much. he dropped me like a wireless call when i got to boise.
now i'm depressed and heartbroken here in boise, gaining all the weight i worked so hard to lose with no friends.

today is the first day of the rest of my life.

i have a job here at a sports bar chain called the ram (originated in tacoma), as a sort of cook. i do the salads and desserts.
i'm trying to get a job with the freight crew at a local grocery chain. something physical that will kind of get me in shape somewhat. i imagine it's pretty hardcore shit, loading and unloading trucks for 8 hours a day. rumor has it, the guys work 40+ come holidays. yikes. i'll come out of this next summer looking like hulk hogan, for god sakes. eh, works for me, i guess.

i'm trying to save all the money i can for a motorcycle, nothing really fancy, or fuck it. i might just go down to high desert harley and finance me an '07 dyna wide glide (eat your heart out, david, two can play that game).
it might be all i have worth anything to my name, but by god, i'm gonna have me a harley.

speaking of harleys, i moseyed into a custom bike shop yesterday here in town and asked in a mouse of a voice:

"um, excuse me, but, um, i'm relatively new in town and was just passing by, and wanted to know if maybe you guys could maybe use some help around here. i'm saving my pennies for workshops on the east coast, and wanted to learn a thing or two before i go."

he looked at me as if saying: "aw, christ. that's the cutest thing i've heard all day. now get the fuck out of my shop."

but he actually said they didn't do that kind of thing anymore, to check with other local shops. he also asked if it was wyotech that i was looking at for school. i said no, i had never heard of that, but when i got home did more research. sounds like a pretty interesting place. all the locations for bikes are in daytona. bmw, ducati, HD, etc. it's an actual school, not just a workshop, so i can maybe get my mom to help me out a little financially, and my brother to kind of help me out with paperwork and financial aid. this might be the direction i'm headed.

in about an hour i gotta head across town and check out the headshots i did with craze and pick out what i want.

god i've gotten so fat!! hope cali doesnt really notice.

kay, gotta go now, to my friends who may have read this, hope all is well, and hang in there.

pcking @ 2006-03-29T15:27:00

2006-03-29T21:10:26Z

i was actually entertaining the thought of going back to high school and finishing out my senior year with the class of '07 (which is way cooler than my class of '06. they're all flippin' idiots w/ the exception of a select few). as much as i've grown in the past few months and as much as i've had to endure, it'd be nice to kind of set my mind on auto-pilot and feel like i'm doing something worthwhile in the meantime. graduating high school, walking with my class (or somebody's class) would really mean a lot to me. i think i'd have a lot of fun with this last year. it'd be easy! graduate with sasha, craig, all them, would be awesome. all my friends were either a year or two older than me, or a year younger. none, really, in my class. i'd be a lot more confident with myself, not worrying about what people think. what do i have to prove to those twits anyway? i've got more experience under my belt, been through enough to be happy with myself as an individual and not care what anyone else thinks. i've learned to think for myself as an adult.

ok, i'm already getting kind of bored of writing.

i went to the gym with aubrey and have been getting to know her. we went to denny's afterward, then walmart to drop off some film, then to borders for like 3 hours! i got some books (the perks of being a wallflower, haven't read it since freshman year, it's probably lost it's shock factor, but nonetheless, i want it in my personal library, and it was on clearance, and wasted: memoirs of anorexia and bulimia). took a look at some of the music, wish i could have scanned the cds and listened, but there seems to be nowhere in this godforsaken state that has the little scanner thingy like fred meyer. dumb dumb dumb.
then we went to publix and practically stripped all our clothes to weigh in. lol. it started with, "i'm gonna take off my shoes." to i'm gonna take off my shirt. i do have a sports bra on." we got some strange looks. might as well have gone in with towels wrapped around us.

then we went to blockbuster and she got a movie. now that i know she frequently watches movies, i'll have to invite her to my room sometime for wine and a movie (sounds almost like a date. that's why i'm hesitant about asking. she'd probably think i was hitting on her, or maybe i'm just paranoid). lol

dave will be in orlando at midnight. aubrey and i are going to pick him up tonight. i'm so excited!! *shit-eatin' grin/excited giggles* woohoo! he just left from portland to georgia, has a layover in ga, and will be here shortly after. :) :) :) :)

so today aub and i will go to the gym and i need to do some grocery shopping. still have to clean my bathroom. i'm gonna take a break and read for a while until she shows up. haven't seen her in a while.
take care everyone.

pcking @ 2006-03-26T13:47:00

2006-03-26T18:51:13Z

pcking @ 2006-03-26T13:33:00

2006-03-26T18:46:44Z

for some reason this stupid computer is blocking me from seeing my friends page. i saw it for like 2 minutes, long enough to read lisa's post and send a comment, but that's it. bummer. stupid stupid dumb.

well, my hair's screwed up. i think i'm going to go hack it all off. perhaps. i don't know yet.

countdown dave: 3 and a half days. that's 3 and a half days too long.

i had a wierd dream last night that i went to some kind of county fair and was set up on a string of bad dates while there. this one guy that looked like a short patrick swaze i remember dancing with and he was just a dork, so i pushed him into this pig pen, and that was that. i don't remember much else.

i'm going to feed the little one at 2:30, hopefully peace and al (dave's sister and brother-in-law) will call today. we were supposed to do coffee or something. i really really really want some starbucks.

next weekend i'm going to a water park with my sister. frickin' sweet. i can't wait. knowing my luck, she'll call and cancel the day before. let's hope not. i was just thinking the other day how bad i want to go do the whole waterslide bit, but most of all, roller coasters. and dave was just telling me that al might be able to hook me up with FREE tickets to... well, i don't really know where, but some theme park, so that's neat.

LISA! wish you were here to do the theme park thing, take a day off of being pregnant and go on roller coasters, but... soon. eventually.

well, going back to alaska. as far as that, i'm looking forward to being home in the summer time, and most of all, actually, besides hanging out with my prego partner in crime and my cat, i'm really looking forward to coffee with ben. surprisingly, because since we broke up, i could find nothing good to say about him. i was shocked at... i guess how wrong i was (or appear to have been) about his character. it's a long story. so it's good to have things to look forward to in going home. i just can't wait to settle things in idaho. i really don't want to drag out the process. i won't really know anything for sure until i make the rounds there.

alright, i'm gonna go for now.
take care, everyone.

today

2006-03-26T01:28:44Z

i did go get my hair cut.
the stupid bitch cut the bangs way way too short. i was so stunned about the bangs, i didn't even bother to have her do something about the rest of my hair to match it up a bit, which is probably good, because if she couldn't even get the simplicity of the bangs right, i really wouldn't want her fucking up my whole head. so yeah. i have betty page bangs. great. i look like the dutch boy painter. i just wear my hair in a pony tail and it looks okay. i don't know what i should do at this point. go to a real hairdresser and get the rest fixed? perhaps. i'd like to before wednesday (for no reason in particular) ;).

i weighed myself at publix. i almost shit myself. 138. 125's a little further away than anticipated, which i deserve. i've been a fucking hog lately. today is going really well though. so far i've had a salad from subway (lettuce, olives, banana peppers, bell peppers, roast beef, turkey, and ham w/ mustard as a dressing), diet ginger ale, caf-free diet coke, a 100-calorie pack, 25-cal hot chocolate, carb smart ice cream, and... that's it so far. if i have anything else today, it'll be the soup i made yesterday. i still have half the salad from subway in the fridge. i'll probably have it tomorrow.

i went to the store and got wine (mmm), some diet soda, a tub of cut fruit, lite whipped cream, lite greek dressing, and my sister brought me 100-calorie packs. next time i go to the store, i think i'm going to get some coffee soy milk. oh, damn. i forgot. sushi. i really wanted some and was going to grab some, but was feeling rather rushed. oh well. next time.

the bass pro. i got a coffee mug. of course. took a look at bows, mosied around for a bit, then we went to subway. that was pretty much it. i wanted to go to the gym, but never ran into andrea, or whatever her name is (hehe, can't remember). maybe tomorrow. if not, i'll do pilates or go running.

pointless boring post.

pcking @ 2006-03-25T11:23:00

2006-03-25T16:33:55Z

my friend dave is coming back from washington to visit me and his sister in leesburg. he'll be here wednesday night. can't wait.
i'm getting my hair cut today. i would upload pictures, but can't.
i've been a stuffed fucking pig for the last 2 weeks. i'm 132. i'm going on some sort of restricting diet today. i can almost feel 125.
i really want a good book to pass time.
maybe i'll go snag a bass or a catfish. that sounds fun.
ben e-mailed me. yeah. exactly. can you say fucking "heart attack"?
millie's doing really well. she should be out in like 2 weeks. i'm ready for this. fuckin' bring on the mommyhood.
hopefully i'll go to the gym today and run my fat ass off. i don't wanna come home the same person.

welcome to a brand new day.

"nobody's fault but my own" -beck

2006-03-20T15:33:31Z

treated you like a rusty blade
a throwaway from an open grave
cut you loose from a chain gang and let you go
and on the day you said it's true
some love holds, some gets used
tried to tell you i never knew
it could be so sweet
who could ever be so cruel,
blame the devil for the things you do
it's such a selfish way to lose
the way you lose these wasted blues, these wasted blues

tell me that it's nobody's fault
nobody's fault
but my own
tell me that it's nobody's fault
nobody's fault
but my own

when the moon is a counterfeit
better find the one that fits
better find the one that lights
the way for you

when the road is full of nails,
garbage pails and darkened jails
and their tongues are full of heartless tales
that drain on you
who would ever notice you
you fade into a shaded room
it's such a selfish way to lose
the way you lose these wasted blues, these wasted blues

tell me that it's nobody's fault
nobody's fault
but my own
tell me that it's nobody's fault
nobody's fault
but my own...

pcking @ 2006-03-18T10:19:00

2006-03-18T15:23:33Z

i got to bottle feed millie last night. she got about 3ccs of the 27ccs she consumes down. she tried though. i'm going over right now to try again with her.

i was supposed to go to some go cart race track place with my sister. it's her son's birthday, and we were supposed to go to one not too far from where i am. well, apparently my nephew's friend made other plans to go to a different one the opposite direction of orlando and jason wanted to go. so for the second weekend in a row, sandy cancelled coming to hang out. and i was actually disappointed. i was looking forward to getting out and doing something fun. i almost cried, actually. i just miss familiarity, i guess. no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

gotta go.

pcking @ 2006-03-16T10:43:00

2006-03-16T16:08:33Z

i wrote a novel updating about bike week in smyrna beach and daytona a couple days ago and i lost it all.
i haven't been really in the mood to come back and write, because i wrote a shitload. and it was all interesting.

well, i'm here at the RMH, my friend simphoney is in labor. she might have already had her baby. i'm gonna go check on her after while.
millie's doing great. she's really filling out. she's about 3lb2oz as of yesterday.

so it looks like i'm not going to idaho right away after all this. i need to make an appearance as far as my medical status, that yes, i am still in fact an alaska resident. i'm also gonna try my hand at Xtreme Wildlife. i'm getting pretty thin, now all it's gonna take is weights.

speaking of thin, day 3 of the water/diet soda/gum fast. :)
the first couple days are definitly the hardest. today i'm doing just fine. looking forward to my diet cherry coke. i was reading up on fasting on the net and this one guy knows all about fasts and fasts for like 30 days at a time on a regular basis and he says he feels the best he ever has in his entire life by incorporating fasts. this fast that i'm shooting for is 7 days, but if i feel like going longer, i'll go longer. maybe even 30 days. that'd be crazy. i can't even imagine what i'd look like by the end of that. i'm 5'9"ish and 136 right now.

anyway, i met someone at bike week named david. of course i was drawn to the espresso stand, the only one in a 40 mile radius. i tried their coffee and it was SOOO good. they know how to make coffee. go figure. they're from washington where the competitions rough. so on my way around the venues, i stopped again and complimented the coffee and david had a guitar in his hand. my face just dropped, and i asked politely if i could please, please, please just bother him to play one song or two. that's where it started. he offered to buy me a beer and at that moment, my life flashed before my eyes wondering where this would go, and i said yes, knowing i could keep it to just having a beer and talking. which i did. the only thing is he is such a great guy and, well, he's really got a thing for me. it's really hard because i don't know what to do. i really kind of like him too, but am totally willing to just stay friends. he said he was looking for a change of pace anyway, and i told him i was going to boise soon after millie is released. then he said, it's settled, i'm selling my house, and i'll have a job lined up in boise (he drives trucks). i was floored. it sounds stalkerish if you're not in the immediate situation, but... it's really just romantic. it's awesome to find another free spirit like myself. we share a lot of the same ambitions and goals. he would be totally content just vending around the country at bike rallies and state fairs like myself. just travelling to wherever the hell we want whenever we want, make a few bucks along the way.
him and his mom will be in sturgis, sd in august for a bike rally for fun, not vend, and invited me. even going as far as sending me a plane ticket to get there. his mom really really likes me as well. i can't believe after only a couple days i'm an absolute hit with his family. he's got a son and a daughter. i'm just relieved he told me in the first place. that was refreshing. i don't know, i just wanted to get this all out somewhere. so for three days, i had the time of my life with a great guy, drinkin shots of jack and playin pool, and believe it or not, singin on stage at the cabbage patch in smyrna beach (i was asked to sing folsom prison blues).

i think i've found my calling. he gave me one of his guitars, by the way, so i can bust my chops all day learning and writing songs while my life is on hold. that's practically all i've been doing for the last few days. i've got quite the repetoir. not really the style i would play to an audience, but none the less, i have about an hour and a half to two hours of music. i'm really wanting to get a band together in alaska this summer, just people to play with, if not for performance, for fun and practice.

SHOUTOUT TO ANY KENAI MUSICIANS: LOOKING FOR WORK IN A GROUP (GUITAR/VOCALS) AROUND MAY THRU I DON"T KNOW WHEN. MAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME OUT, CAWD.

xtremem wildlife is one of my goals up there. the exposure (no pun intended) would be great.
alright, this is flippin long, and i'm afraid of losing it. i'm gonna go. everyone take care.

LISA!!! CALL ME, DAMMIT! TELL BABY AUNTIE PARIS SAYS HI. :)

i'm out.

pcking @ 2006-03-06T15:38:00

2006-03-06T20:40:27Z

i got her name on my shoulder.
a rose with a weathered scroll under.
it looks just awesome. just awesome.
i was so impressed with the job he did.
HE by the way, is the former lead singer of drowning pool. he replaced the singer who died a few years back. that too is impressive. i'll have to look up some of his videos and listen to the album he recorded with them. i just thought that was the coolest thing. we were going to go see drowning pool in anchorage when they came for AFC a couple months back, but weren't able to. i thought he seemed a little cocky...

137 according to publix scale, just for my own reference. only 7 lbs to go... then 5... then 5 more.

pcking @ 2006-03-03T16:28:00

2006-03-03T21:34:29Z

went to see millie earlier this morning. she had a couple desats and lost weight, but not every day can be a good one. she went from 1135g to 1083g. gotta take her more food.
i was supposed to go to the gym, but symphoney isn't answering her door. don't know what happened to her.
i need to just run for at least 20 minutes to get some extra energy out. i haven't exerted that much energy in weeks. i really don't want to do pilates in my room, but i will if i have to. or not. i don't know.
for anyone staying here, free passes to the downtown orlando YMCA are given. for as long as i'm here, i can work out down the road... but will need a ride everyday. they have a pool, all that crap. i would love to get my arms back by swimming (shoutout to lisa: wish you were here to swim with me *sad face*).

so how is everyone back in the greatland? i miss home so much...

pcking @ 2006-03-01T16:58:00

2006-03-01T22:19:03Z

let's see. not much has changed. millie is still doing well, although wanted to drop her stats when i was holding her a few minutes ago. she likes to play dead for mommy. :)
her heart rate just goes down a bit, along with her blood oxygen level.
another example of being so relaxed.

i started the 28 day plan (it's actually a lj community, so check it out, vanity psychos).
today is my first day, and i'm doing really well. i'm not going to elaborate any further than that, i don't think.

i'm doing okay, it'd just be really nice if someone were here with me. someone to walk around with and hang out with. preferably a guy, because i wouldn't walk around this town alone, and wouldn't put another female in jeopardy like that.

i wish my dad would take the time to visit. he really doesn't have many obligations back home. he said he'd
see what he could do. i guess that answers my question of whether he'll come or not.
plan b. corey's not too far away, but he's got bigger fish to fry. mardi gras and mexico. not teenage mothers and childrens' hospitals.
justin's mom offered to come, but i'll pass on that. she means well, but... overbearing psycho. enough said.
my mom might come, but all i forsee from her is making me feel bad about my decision to keep millie. she probably wouldn't stick around orlando for long. i imagine she's spend most of her time with sandy and the boys and come visit on the weekends.

i just see most of the women here that have had babies or are expecting have their mothers tagging along, which in all the cases i've see was a good thing. but there are also the mothers and moms-to-be that are pretty much in the same boat as me. alone and waiting. we all kind of hang out. we watch reality tv in the evenings.

night time is what i wait for every day. i can't really walk anywhere in the beautiful weather, so i just kind of wait for night when the house is asleep, sneak a diet dr. pepper to the tv room, and just relax and feel at home. or sit on the balcony porch in the rocking chair with the slightest hint of a beer buzz or a dip of cope and watch the hospital choppers go by.

lately i've been sleeping in til 10. the first part of the day is the hardest. getting out of bed is prolonged torture, as if i have to get up to go to school. once i get out of bed, the fun starts. pumping for 15 minutes every 2 hours, the dreaded pilates workout i've just had 0 motivation to do, food issues, etc. but eventually, that's all over with, and i can finally just hang out at night time.

ok, i'm done. not much more to say except i wish i had someone to walk to 7eleven with for a crystal light slurpy and a can of cope. any takers?

pcking @ 2006-02-26T22:42:00

2006-02-27T04:02:23Z

millie's doing well for the most part.
she's still tolerating her feeds.
she's just got an eye infection, green goobery eyes, but she's getting eye drops for that.
i held her for a few minutes, but she got so relaxed, that her stats went down, but once they got her in the incubator, she was fine. she just falls into that really deep sleep that she forgets sometimes to breathe. you just have to kind of... shake is not a good word for it, lol... rub on her a bit, and she wakes up.
one of the guys staying here, eric, took me to bass pro shop today. it was friggin' awesome!
i got a camo bass pro hat, hiking boots with thinsulate on clearance, and a shirt for justin.
it was way cool, i just wish i could have enjoyed it with justin.
eric's wife didn't want to go, so we just spent probably close to 2 hours in there like kids in a candy store.
he said he'd love to take justin and i both when he gets back.
i told him and his wife if they ever came to alaska, they always have somewhere to stay, and we'll show them around. also, their son evan is only a week older than millie, so she'd have someone to play with.
i saw the baby and toddler clothes, and there was a shirt for little girls that said, "daddy's future hunting buddy". i was bummed that there wasn't a "mommy's future hunting buddy" one. :(
well, time to call mom. i think justin and i are going to stay with my mom free of rent for a while until we can get settled on our own. it'd be nice to go home to my old bedroom. i miss my old room.
we'd be saving $1300 a month, and that would take a huge weight off my shoulders. i'm glad justin kinda pulled his head out of his ass, to say it bluntly, about either paying rent somewhere or swallowing his pride enough to stay with mom. they have opposite hitches anyway. for the time being, at least.

everyone take care, thanks for taking the time to read all this nonsense. :)
god bless...

pcking @ 2006-02-25T15:44:00

2006-02-25T20:52:24Z

baby's doing really well.
it's the nurses who aren't.
i went in last night to just say good night and drop off some milk, and the night nurse immediately updated me that she would have to go back on her breathing tube. apparently, in the last 30 minutes or so, she had been desatting like crazy, which i thought was odd, seeing she had been doing so well within the last 4 days.
turns out, her nasal canula (the flow of oxygen to her nose) was disconnected and no one noticed.
i was so mad that someone didn't realize that sooner. every time her heart rate goes down like that, it really stresses out her system, and hinders progress. poor little girl. she was so upset, and just exhausted after having to breath completely on her own for who knows how long.
the thing that gets me is the male nurse who noticed the tube being disconnected, found it that way the night before. i was standing at her bedside wondering the night before last what this hissing noise was. it was like an air hose, so i assumed it was important. this one lady i called over didn't know, so she asked him, and turns out, yes, it was very important. they're not on top of their stuff like they should be. and earlier that day, i knew something was wrong and no one did anything until she started turning colors.
yesterday was nerveracking, but hopefully the nurses will be more alert.
she's doing great today.
she even looked at me and smiled, when i began talking to her today. it was the sweetest thing. she's so alert.
i gotta get going. i'm going to church with a couple that's staying here.
take care, everyone.

pcking @ 2006-02-24T11:19:00

2006-02-24T16:47:02Z

orlando for another month...at least.
this kinda sucks.
justin just left yesterday, and he won't be back until she's discharged.
it's very lonely. there are some cool people around here though.
i talked to this one couple that we've known since we got here for like 2 hours last night.
the husband's really into alaska and hunting and fishing and all that. camping, all the good stuff guys should be into. i told him all about it, told them they should save up and go someday. it's a little harder with a baby at this point (their baby was in the same room with millie for a while).
they invited me to the bass pro shop. sweet! we'll go tomorrow or the next day.
i think sandy was actually going to invite me to lunch tomorrow. i think her and tony are coming around a little. i'm still kinda iffy about being around them, but i just gotta face it.
i talked to mom yesterday, and she won't be able to come down this time, but next hitch home, she wants to try to fly from seattle with my brother on a buddy fair, so they can both come down. that'd be nice. if i'm still here by then.
i was talking to the managers yesterday, and they mentioned they have connections with seaworld. any family that's staying here can be referred to go for free (free admission and parking). that's awesome, seeing admission is over $60! and my sister mentioned wanting to go to seaworld. a family up to 6, so justin and i, tony, sandy, and the boys could all go for free. i thought it'd be a nice thing to do before we go home. we won't have the chance to do anything like that for a while.
i just talked to justin before i came in here. he's doing good, he just got in.
tater's huge, he can't find the cat, and the house smells like cat stuff. :(
good that tater's big, bad that he can't find the cat, and the house smells.
he asked me to wake him up at 4 my time so he can go and pay bills.
i'm just babbling, i know, but another random thing.
i miss the grind!! there's a starbucks down the street, but i really miss the grind. way better frappuccios, and one must pay homage to small, hometown businesses, not corporate superstores.,
i'm kinda eerie of walking around town alone, even in the daytime.
2 days ago, justin and i stopped in at a 7eleven, and a big brawl just broke out in the parking lot. a black and a white guy. note: a neonazi march was in the works in downtown orlando that day, so we heard. we didn't know what it was about, nonetheless, you don't see a fight just break out in front of a 7eleven everyday (not where i come from). they put a dent in some guys truck, trying to get away from eachother, the white guy hauling ass after the black guy down the street. poor black guy lost his sandals and the shirt off his back. walking back to the rmh, we saw his torn shirt in the gutter about 100 yards from the scene. crazy.
and one night, i was just walking to starbucks, it was starting to get dark, and i just needed to step out and clear my head. i noticed a woodpanneled station wagon with tinted windows slowly following me. he did a u-turn in the street and pulled into a parking lot beside me and circled around slowly. i crossed the street immediatly. i just kept walking until he got too close for comfort and i dipped into a restaurant. they were closing up, two guys standing outside the doors, holding them open. and i just kind of hid behind one and told them i thought i was being followed, that i was really close to where i needed to be, but didn't want to walk any further. they were really cool about it. they ran to get two cops that happened to be in the parking lot out back and one of them escorted me back to the hospital.
so justin wouldn't freak out, i told him WHY a cop escorted me back. i told him that i just walked to the 7eleven, i saw someone run out, an officer came up to me a few minutes later asking for a description, and asked if i needed a ride anywhere. i wasn't about to tell him i was followed.
okay, i gotta get going.
take care everyone, thanks to you who actually read this whole thing. :)

pcking @ 2006-02-23T15:10:00

2006-02-23T20:10:42Z

You scored as Maximus. After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the colosseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him.

</td>

Maximus

88%

Batman, the Dark Knight

83%

James Bond, Agent 007

71%

Lara Croft

71%

Captain Jack Sparrow

67%

William Wallace

63%

El Zorro

54%

Indiana Jones

50%

Neo, the "One"

42%

The Amazing Spider-Man

38%

The Terminator

21%

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

pcking @ 2006-02-20T12:29:00

2006-02-20T17:32:51Z

i am in such a bad fucking mood right now. just annoyed. i can't stand getting pissy with justin and we leave it at that. i just stay in a terrible fucking mood.
just wanted to get that out. ugh... i'm trying to stop swearing. bear with me.

pcking @ 2006-02-19T12:07:00

2006-02-19T17:26:21Z

well, a lot has happened since my last post.

we went back to my sister's house for a night, and of course, for me that was miserable.
being away from her, and justin and i weren't getting along. everyone was getting along fine, drinking and having a good time, but i felt like the odd one out. i pretty much just stayed to myself in one of the bedrooms and cried. i felt so clueless as to what to do.

the next day, i felt a little better despite a crappy doctor visit. when i got back to my sister's, her and her husband sat us down for a talk. i know she meant well, but she showed her true colors about things. pretty much asking me to sign papers tomorrow and that it'd be best to leave as soon as possible.
she talked to me like a child, as if i don't know my own limits with my daughter.

later that night, back in orlando, after much deliberation, justin and i decided to keep her.
i feel everything happened for a reason. i couldn't believe the 180-degree turnaround, but because i fought those feeling so strongly.

when we told sandy and tony, they reacted like we feared.
i talked to my sister first hand. and i hear from their neighbors that tony felt the same way. she pretty much degraded me for making that decision. they weren't understanding at all like they convinced us they'd be. their reaction just reinforced my decision, so i'm glad they won't be raising our daughter. they pretty much cut us off, cancelling plans we had for the weekend, and just coldly had the neighbors drop the remainder of our things off here in orlando.

the neighbors are nice, nonetheless. they are goodhearted and willing to help us out. they took us grocery shopping, and back to the hospital, and just reassured us of their support. that meant a lot, seeing we don't have much here, not being in our home state.

his family's excited, my dad is, but the rest of my family is against it.
but what does that matter? if God is for you, it doesn't matter who is against you.
his mom wants to come up to ak when we bring her home and help out, but she's just kind of... monster-in-law-ish. she loves drama and has a tendancy to tell me more than i want to know about everything and everyone in the family. she's just really invasive with some of justin and i's private matters. support is nice when it's that kind we ask for. we don't ask for opinions and advice. and when we do, it's on very specific, non-controvertial issues. it's nice when someone helps us paint a room, or pack up the house, getting it ready to move out of and sell. not impress us their ideas about our personal decisions.

anyway, this is way long. i'm outta here. take care, everyone.